


For All Intensive Porpoises

by thejunipertree



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Case Fic, Gen, Humor, Mystery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 13:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15607302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejunipertree/pseuds/thejunipertree
Summary: The day after Wrestlemania, Tyler Breeze and Fandango discover that The Universal Title has been stolen, and obviously the champion can't defend it until it has been found and returned to him. Never fear - the Fashion Police are on the case! They're sure to track it down... eventually.





	1. Prologue: Developing Clues

**Author's Note:**

  * For [withpractice_ff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/withpractice_ff/gifts).



> “Look, Property is theft, right? Therefore theft is property. Therefore this ship is mine” - Zaphod Beeblebrox, Restaurant at the End of the Universe (Douglas Adams)

The idea of personal property is so fundamentally a part of the American mindset that the Declaration of Independence was originally written to protect the rights to “life, liberty, and property.” Personal property is, of course, a bit of a redundant term since the idea of property itself derives from the notion of what is “proper” - distinct or particular to an individual - what one can rightly call “one’s own,” what is befitting or appropriate to someone. When someone puts on a guise that is unbefitting them, the impropriety causes us to call that appropriation. When someone grabs a hold of something improprietous, that’s theft. However, to have something is to have a certain degree of responsibility for it. If you abdicate your duty of care to your umbrella in a crowded restaurant or on a windy day, you won’t have it for much longer. And it is in just this way that Tyler Breeze and Fandango came to the realization that the Ascension were rushing off down the sunny streets of New Orleans with a camera that was previously, properly, Fashion Police property.

 

\---

 

Solving a mystery, he thought, was a lot like developing photos. Hours spent groping around in the dark, trying this method and that until finally, gradually and then all at once, everything became clear. Let too much light in - draw too much attention or be too direct - and the answers you were looking were lost forever. But still, you had to have a talent for bringing things to light and that was where he and his comrade found themselves lacking and in need of friendly assistance. Viktor took the last of the photos out of the fixer and hung it up to dry. Still, years spent in the Wasteland had given them a knack for spotting a glimmer of something interesting in the dark.  
  
“There,” a voice behind him said. Konnor, who had noiselessly and lightlessly entered the room by means of the strange powers their strange lifestyle had granted them, gestured a few photos down where the scenes they had captured were beginning to come clear.  
  
Viktor nodded. It would be a shame to get rid of the other photos, but if there’s one thing they’d learned about their friends it was that they needed a little extra help to keep things in focus. He sought out the negative and got back to work.


	2. The Game... Has Been Cold-Brewed and Delivered to the Breakfast Table

It was mid-morning in New Orleans and Tyler Breeze could hear the sounds of all the uggos of the city heading off to their normal jobs as he sipped on his morning espresso from the balcony of his seasonal residence. It was still early enough that sitting out in the sunshine felt nice and the humidity hadn’t gotten too cloying (or hair-wrecking) yet. Fandango was sitting next to him, drinking his americano and dunking pieces of his donut into it when he thought Breeze wasn’t looking. Tyler pretended not to notice what was, frankly, declasse behavior because, hey, what were partners for? Besides, Dango knew all sorts of things about science and society, so it was okay if he didn’t know everything about the social niceties to move comfortably at Breeze’s level quite yet. Though the fashion side of the fashion police had been neglected for a while, Tyler’s contacts were begging him to come back to the runway and he was planning on taking his partner with him when he did. But there was at least one more mystery to solve first.  
  
“Where do you think the Ascension are hiding our camera?”  
  
“Probably in their wasteful lair,” Fandango replied, “But maybe they need it more than us.”  
  
“Yeah, maybe if they can see their uggo faces in a photo, they’ll be able to finally fix their look-”  
  
“- as much as is possible -”  
  
“Yeah,” Tyler laughed, setting down his cup, “We do need those photos back though - that photo shoot went so well, it’d be a crime not to release them to the public!”  
  
As if by magic (and, in fact, because of it), the coffee on the table began to ripple. Out of it sprung a miniature camera that grew back to its original size as it arced out of the cup and landed gently on the table. Following it was an envelope and a voice inquiring whether any of the donuts were gluten-free.  
  
“Of course not! Now leave us alone!” Tyler snapped at his coffee, which settled back into its usual stillness but somehow a vague air of disappointment now tinged the aroma.  
  
Fandango, who had leapt to his feet at the first stirrings of strangeness and pulled out his water pistol, relaxed as things seemed to calm down. He grabbed the envelope and opened it, pulling out a stack of photos. “Looks like they used their weird demon powers to develop our photos.”  
  
“Dango, be careful, they could be like cursed!”  
  
“Nah, it looks fine but, uh, it’s all just the same picture.”

“Is it a good one?” Tyler got up to peer over Fandango’s shoulder, “What, we’re not even in it! Trust those weirdos to pull something bogus like this!”  
  
“This is getting spooky Breeze - I don’t think we even took this photo,” Fandango spread the copied image on the table. It was definitely taken at Coconut Beach, where they’d taken some sportswear shots and gotten in a quick game of beach volleyball. But other than what might’ve been a lock of blond hair in the lower left corner, the model-policemen were nowhere to be seen.  
  
“Yeah, I know you forgot to take the lens cap off one time, but I know you wouldn’t take a picture of some random uggos rather than me!”  
  
“It must be the Ascension and their creepy camera magic! They’re weird and ugly so no wonder their photos turn out weird and ugly too!”  
  
One of the photos, spurred on by what must’ve been the wind - though neither of them felt anything but the still, close humidity of a summer day in the south - flew up and hit Fandango in the face.  
  
Tyler reached over his shoulder to pick it off, “Hey, Dango… what’s this red thing here?”  
  
In the middle of the picture, partly obscured by the heads and hands of passersby, was an oddly-familiar rectangle of red.  
  
Fandango grabbed the photo back to look, “Holy cow, Breeze. Is that the Universal Title?”  
  
“It’s gotta be! And that’s definitely not Brock carrying it! He stands out anywhere like white after labor day!”  
  
“And he’s not the kinda guy who would just loan it out to someone. Okay. Looks like we’re gonna have to get to the bottom of this! FREEZE FRAME”  
  
Tyler and Fandango stood looking ponderously over the photos until they felt a sufficient amount of time had passed for the desired effect - after all, even birds deserved to enjoy some artful posing and high drama. Then they left for the arena to begin the investigation in earnest.  
  
The Ascension, in their dark room, watched these events unfold through their coffee-cup porthole.  
  
“It took them long enough,” Viktor said, “but it looks like they’re on the right track for now”  
  
Konnor nodded, “Yeah, we just have to keep nudging them in the right direction.”


	3. Officially Operatives

Though practically empty compared to the previous nights, the arena still had a fair amount of crew and miscellaneous staff milling about, getting ready for Smackdown that evening. Still, the two detectives resisted the temptation to hand out any fashion infractions as they made their way to the head offices. They still had quite a bit of hallway left to traverse when they heard voices echoing out of an open door.  
  
“MY CLIENT has better things to do than look after YOUR property, especially after enduring a shit-show like last night!”  
  
“Be that as it may, Mr. Heyman, his carelessness is embarrassing for all of us.” The second voice was as unmistakable as the first - of course Paul Heyman and HHH would already be working to get to the bottom of things (and protect everyone’s bottom line).  
  
“Don’t blame your lack of security and unsavory hires on us! The thing was taken from this very locker-room! This whole mess is on you!”  
  
“And we ARE going to solve it,” a third voice, a woman’s. Stephanie must be there as well. “But we need you and your client to give us some time.”  
  
At this point Tyler and Fandango had reached the end of the hallway and two wrestlers lurking awkwardly in an open doorway were almost impossible not to notice, no matter how heated the argument.  
  
Heyman noticed them first, “OH look, you’ve got your rent-a-detectives here! I don’t know why you’re worried! Anyway, as long as we still get paid what we agreed on, I don’t mind laying low until you all find our title!” With that, he pushed past the debonair detectives and left.  
  
“I assume you two DID already know about the missing Universal Title,” Stephanie asked. Her face was calm but her right hand was tugging on her bracelet.  
  
Fandango dropped a photo down on the desk with a flourish, “You bet your sweet button-down blouse we did!”  
  
“Our photo shoot caught the thief right in the act! Well, right after the act, anyway.”  
  
Hunter looked at the photo, “I have to admit, I’m surprised you two know how to enhance film but maybe the world of fashion has more to offer us than I previously thought. Do you have any suspects in mind? Besides the Bludgeon Brothers, whose whereabouts are already accounted for.”  
  
Tyler and Fandango just exchanged a look. “Aliens?” Tyler offered as Fandango said, “Ghosts!”  
  
“This is not a supernatural crime,” Stephanie told them. “This is a very real theft, with very real consequences. We have a replica of the title that we can use in emergencies, but it won’t hold up to scrutiny.”  
  
“Until we have the Universal Title returned to its proper owner,” Hunter added, “We’ll have to keep Brock off TV for as long as possible. None of you can have an opportunity at that title until we have the actual belt back in our possession.”  
  
“I mean, if you need a new belt, we would be more than happy to help you pick out a good one!” Tyler offered. The Universal Title didn’t mean a lot to him - he was pretty happy having someone reliable by his side. In his book, a good partner was worth at least a universe. A good belt, on the other hand, really could tie an outfit together.  
  
“Look,” Fandango said, looking HHH square in the eye, “You can call us ‘silly’ and ‘not real cops’ but for all intensive porpoises, we’re the best chance you’ve got at solving this.”  
  
“For all what?” Breeze asked.  
  
“Intensive porpoises! You know, there’s a lot of crime in the seas so they need really intense, sleek individuals - like porpoises - to solve it. Which is why we’re perfect for the job.”  
  
“That’s true! There’s nobody sleeker than us!”  
  
Hunter and Stephanie exchanged a look that expressed clearly to anyone less self-involved than the fashionable flatfoots who inspired it that their help may not, in fact, be better than nothing. However, Hunter put his hand out to them, “Well, you did manage to discover that the belt was missing, so we’ll do what we can to get you the access you need to find out who took it. Just know that if you fail, it’s me you’ll be dealing with.”  
  
They both moved to shake his hand at the same time, causing a momentary tangle of limbs before they each grasped one side of it and shook it together. “We’re on the case,” they said in unison, “FREEZE FRAME”  
  
Hunter pulled his hand back and he and Stephanie waited in bemused silence until the two unfroze and left the room.  
  
“I hope they’re smarter than they look,” Stephanie remarked to her husband, “for their own sake.”


	4. Annex: Enlisting Assistance of the Velutinous Variety

Fandango finished pinning the last photograph to the corkboard. It was a bit of a pain lugging it around the country but the organs: eyes, mind were essential to good detective work. “Okay, so we have to establish motives and alibis for everyone who might’ve had access to the locker room this weekend. Smackdown should be easy, since we’re there, and HHH would probably get us access on RAW if we need to keep investigating. That just leaves NXT. It’s a long shot, but if one of them’s the thief we can’t just let him sit in Florida using the belt to tan his face!”  
  
“But we’re heading out of town tomorrow!” Breaze shouted, grabbing Fandango by the shoulders in horror at the prospect of an irresolvable loose thread, “There’s no way we’ll be able to get an alibi from everyone in NXT by then!”  
  
“I know, Breeze, I know,” Fandango took Breeze’s hands, “but we don’t have to do this alone. And I have someone in mind: there’s only one man haber-dashing enough to help us out.”  
  
\- - -  
  
“It won’t be that easy,” Velveteen Dream told them, “I have my own work to do, so I can’t just make time for your little crime-adventures.”  
  
“All you have to do is check up on people,” Breeze replied, grabbing dream’s hand imploringly. “We’re already pretty sure no one in NXT is behind it - we just need someone to make certain that’s the case!”  
  
“Due damages,” Fandango added sagely.  
  
“Okay, because I like you two, I’ll see what I can do,” Dream said as he adjusted an earring with an air of assumed casualness, “But remember, you’ll owe me. I’m going to be joining you on the main roster soon enough - before you know it. And if you’re not ready to help when I come to call on you… Dream Over.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick bit to work Velveteen Dream into the picture, since he was one of the characters requested.


End file.
